How to de-escalate a tantrum:

• Keep Everyone Safe “I won’t let you hit, I’m going to help keep everyone safe” 

• Stay Calm (If you’re not calm, take a quick moment to regulate yourself.) 

• Be the Sturdy Leader (It’s actually scary for kids to think they have enough power to make you lose your cool) 

• If possible, sit on the floor next to them. 

• Manage your tone of voice. Keep words supportive and minimal. 

• Validate the feeling: “It looks like you’re mad/upset right now. That makes sense. Being told no is hard.”

• Hold firm boundaries with compassion: “I love you. AND we still have to do XYZ. I’ll be right here with you” 

Avoid During a Tantrum:

• Light touch or touch if they withdraw

• Eye contact

• Raised voice or harsh tone

• Lectures (Keep words to a minimum.)

• Standing above them or other body language that could push them further into fight or flight

 Key Reminders: 

• Kids can’t learn when they are in fight or flight mode. (Tantrums are a sign they’re already there.)

•  If you’re losing your cool, step into the bathroom/pantry, breathe!  “Mommy needs a time-out!” 

• Tantrums are not a reflection of your parenting or their character. They are opportunities to model patience, repair, and resilience.

After the Tantrum:

• Don’t punish them for having big feelings. 

• Problem-solve when they are calm.

•  Apologize if you lost your cool. Repair is one of the most important parts of parenting.

• I find it helpful to reframe a tantrum/fit like a seizure…they are flipped, their amygdala is running the show. When it passes, they will be themselves again. 

Tips for Avoiding Tantrums:

•  Create Calm Down Spaces Set up a calming area on each floor of your home. These spaces are not punishments but tools for self-regulation. Include comfy seating, books, or quiet toys.

• Establish Consequences in Advance Clearly explain what will happen if your child refuses to use the calm down space. (My kids know that means no screens for a week and I actually enforce) Practice relaxing in this place during calm moments so it’s familiar.

• Pay attention to their “body budget”. Is he hungry, tired, overstimulated? Can you help with that before a meltdown?